What Makes a Good Dom? 4 Facts to Surprise Your Vanilla Friends.

Explorations of a recovering vanilla continue in the kinky Buzzfeed style. This time we’re dismantling misconceptions about doms. Is it possible to have a more Cosmo-style opening to a blog post? What have I turned into… let’s add some yay’s um’s and delicious and you can hang me on a dry tree.

Do you remember what you thought about fetishes in the pre-kink times of your personal development?

If not, let me remind you some typical associations people have with d/s relationships: beating, sadism, misogyny, and exploitation 😖 I’m sure, you’d agree that’s a little bit unfair.

It is therefore time to change this entry in people’s minds thesaurus[1].

Below are…

4 facts about doms to surprise your vanilla friends.

Points listed below are based on interactions, conversations, and observations. They can also serve as basic commandments for beginners. I totally don’t mind if you share it with the whole wide world — if you didn’t gather it yet, I have world domination plans. Pun totally intended.

I might revisit these super tips myself once I start exploring my own domme side. But, easy for now Princess! <giggles and adjusts the tiara>

A good dom will:

1. Start form a position of respect.

Roughly translates to: Treat people like fellow humans.

Pretty basic, right?

Coming from the vanilla world one might think dom is a label used to mask, or excuse, sadistic tendencies; an activity used let out deeply rooted feelings of despise for other people. This false impression is particularly prevalent among females, and perhaps no wonder 🤔 Brought up in the patriarchal society, where everyday we a fight against male domination, it’s hard to accept another woman would wilfully submit to a male.

In contrast to the vanilla world though such submission is consensual, and all of its rules are negotiated. A d/s relationship can only take place after both sides establish mutual respect — through conversation, meetings, and negotiations.

In the vanilla/patriarchal world a desire to be controlled automatically converts into a label: weak. Weak equals feminine; feminine equals not worthy of respect.

In the (glorious, open, beautifully varied, and filled wish sunshine and bunnies 🐰) kink world, the dom always recognises the strength of the sub. They accept submission is a choice, not recognition of inferiority.

2. Put their sub first.

Roughly translates to: I don’t care you need to pee, you tied me blindfolded to this rack, you ain’t leavin’ the room.

Control comes with responsibility. A dom is accountable for the experience of all bottoms involved in a scene —they focus on the sub(s), and ensures they are having a great time.

How? Through a thoughtful conversation. If you don’t know what that is, it involves: asking, talking, thinking, suggesting, and empathising. We left the patriarchal, non-communicative-shit-zone, remember?

What about the dom’s experience?, you may ask. It should be established during pre-play conversation whether the session will be satisfying for them too. Once the game is on, they are the only ones to steer the play-ship ⛵️

3. Admit they don’t know it all.

Roughly translates to: Safety first. Prefer TMI.

Being a dom must come with humility — a trait most people should work on. Any good dom should be highly self aware, and ready to admit if they don’t have enough experience with a particular type of play. They will not lie about their ability just to prove their “incredible skill” or superiority (see point 2). Safety first.

Doms also shouldn’t make presumptions about sub’s preferences. Even if nine out of ten people enjoy a particular flogger, it gives no guarantee that the tenth one will. It’s like with the series Stranger Things — I heard everyone liked it. Well, it turned out I’m not everyone[2].

What do you usually do when you don’t know someone’s preferences? You ask. Asking is a sign of responsibility, and shows you’re in tune with both the surroundings, and the sub.

4. Don’t only dom in the bedroom.

Roughly translates to: Slap slap, fuck fuck is not domming 🙄

In d/s dynamics sex is just a tip of the iceberg. There are verbal check-ins before, during, and after. The process is really more demanding than a Ryanair flight. Here is an outline of these three stages.

  • Establishing trust and building a relationship with clear roles and boundaries happens before any slap-slap action.
  • A dom will check if all is fine and dandy during the scene too. The sub might be a lil’ bit too spaced out to communicate properly 😬
  • And, even when all done, it’s still not time to chill with a pint of beer! It’s the dom’s responsibility to check if the sub needs anything after a play session. Better still, check with them the next day too. If they like to be praised for their performance during a play-session, they will equally like to hear it the next day, when the rush is over.

This ^ is all based mainly on my preferences and experiences. Clearly, I have a preference for caring and self-aware people. But, who likes unaware ignoramuses? Although… if intelligence is on the FetLife fetish list I should not be surprised if “idiocy” was too. And, there would be nothing wrong with it.

Nom nom nom, be a good dom! 😛


[1] Their minds’ thesaurai? their mind’s thesaurai? minds’ thesaurus? Is is a shared thesaurus of humanity’s mind? Of multiple minds? <internal linguist cries>

[2] It was alright actually, but totally not worth the hype. Nothing personal, Winona.