Show Your Goods: How to Take a Good Dick Pic

Conversation:

— I’m so desperate, I registered on Tinder.

— How many dick pics have you got yet?

Time to tackle this topic folks. The truth behind, and in front of, dick pics. In other words: how to take the best dick pic to match the occasion, and impress the recipient. Whether it’s backstage fucking, wedding, or a business conference – there is a dick to suit every occasion 🤗

via GIPHY

This post is not just for penis owners. All those who might have received, or want to receive, shots of other’s dicks will greatly benefit from reading it — it’s a promise.

A lot of anthropological qualitative research has been conducted to inform this post. It included conversations with penis holders in search for tips, interviews with recipients to investigate their reactions, and chats with photographers to gain a more technical insight. A significant amount of time has also been spent on the Tumblr Critique My Dick Pic — and its vast resource library will be used to provide examples.

Misconceptions

There are several misconceptions surrounding the topic of dick pics, and they come from all genders.

1. Everyone wants to see a dick pic.

Line of thinking: “I want to see her breasts, so she must want to see my dick. This will be a huge encouragement, and will help me cut to the chase.”

Some penis-holders presume female recipients apply the logic they use when assessing females. When their criteria are solely body-focused — I do of course realise this is not the case for everyone — they might presume the same is true about the recipient. But —surprise for you here — a dick is usually not the first thing a female wants to see when they are getting to know someone 🙄 This also holds even if the aim of the acquaintance is sexual.

2. No one wants to see a dick pic.

Line of thinking: “Do I really want to be that pathetic guy who puts a picture of his junk on FetLife thinking everyone will get aroused by it?”

This is the opposite approach to the first point. If you are on a fetish site, darling, your dick is the equipment you’re playing with. There is nothing embarrassing in putting it out there and —trust me — it will be arousing to more people than you think. Read on to learn how to present it properly.

3. A dick pic is a short cut of an arousing conversation.

Line of thinking: “We’re here for sex. If I show my tools she’ll go for it.”

Would you buy a car based on a picture of it’s engine? I don’t think so.

To put on my academic hat, there are studies that found men have a much stronger response to sexual visual stimuli than women. So, if you are sending a dick pic to a female — assuming it has been asked for — it’s a nice touch, but will not get her as aroused as an erotic conversation would.

Save time on posing, and practice your sexy talk.

4. Dicks are funny.

Line of thinking: “It looks like a small wrinkled pepper, or a patterned rolling pin.”

Ok, this one is real. They are quite funny. This video about dicks is funny too.

5. Your dick is original.

Line of thinking: “My soldier[1] is the most glorious-looking example of manhood.”

Sorry to break it to you, but an average female has probably seen a few penises in her life. And, even if it was just one, there is hardly any surprise awaiting. Penises are really more or less the same (see point 4). Incorporating your dick into a flower arrangement, or presenting it on a romantic background of Swiss mountains will not make it more appealing. Although original for sure.

Of course, all penises are different and deserve appreciation — kudos to all dicks! 🙌 However, sending an unsolicited dick pic having only its “uniqueness” as a justification is a projection of entitlement.

How to take a good dick pic

The purpose of taking a dick pic

There are a few goals you may want to achieve with a dick pic. They all overlap, but choosing the leading theme will help you inform the correct approach.

Here are the most common goals a dick pic can help you achieve:

  • Show your might 💪 Well, you know what I mean, it’s the same as: demonstrate the size.
  • Generate lust. This is slightly separate from the above, and requires knowing the recipient a little more.
  • Demonstrate your sex skill. That’s an euphemistic way of saying, a dick pick is also a porn-style action shot.
  • Add dynamism during a sex chat.
  • Give yourself self-confidence.
  • Get artistic. Well, why not.

Must I point out that “unsolicited sharing with the world” is not among the options? Well, I just did 😬

Worth noting: once the aim is also known to the receiver of the said piece of art, their expectations will be different. That is, during a sex chat you obviously will not send a masterpiece of photography — and it will not be expected. But, if we talk about a profile on FetLife or a kinky dating app, you can do better than uploading a blurry 200 x 200px image taken in the office loo.

As one wise photographer told me: the purpose of the picture is to tell a story. Think: what’s the story you want to tell with your dick?[2]

The tactics of taking a dick pic

It’s pretty obvious there is no experience to refer to on my part here. My research, however, revealed a few repeating themes. A lot of this is common sense, nonetheless worth reminding yourself of.

Put in some effort

However harsh it may sound, just as it is the case with FetLife messages, dick pics are used to sell a product. Since you decided to put your penis “on the market”, make some effort. Think of it as eBay thumbnails — some will have a higher conversion rate than others.

Tidy up

“Nothing ruins a shot more than a messy bedroom, or worse still, kids toys cluttering up the background.”, said a photographer friend. There is really nothing more to add here.

Background

Apart from being tidy, the background can add extra dimension to the picture; become a part of the story. If you don’t have an idea for anything specific, a neutral background or intimate environment — for example a bedroom — is preferable. At least it will not distract the recipient from the centre-piece of the shot.

Light

A strong natural source of light is best 🌞 — yay for dicks in the sunlight! White, neon light, or a using a flash will make the subject look terrible and unhealthy. Better still, take pictures at sunset, nothing better than soft, warm light to tone down the imperfections.

Should I mention that a blurry picture is a no-no?

Rule of thirds

Imagine your dick is a seagull.Source: Discovershareinspire.com

One of the basic rules of photography is not to place the object in the centre of the frame. Rather, it should be located on one of the intersections of four imaginary lines dividing the image into nine parts. It adds more dynamism to the picture and makes it more interesting (more here). If you’re feeling ready to explore more advanced concept, read about the rule of divine composition

Angle

Tom Cruise is actually 170cm (5’7) tall. We don’t notice it in films because of the clever ways they are shot. There are more or less favourable angles you can use to exhibit your penis.

Placing it parallel to the shutter will represent its size realistically. Shooting at the right angle can also make it look bigger, if this is what you’re aiming for. Have you ever seen a tourist brochure with photo shoots advertising spacious hotel rooms that in reality turn out to be the size of a prison cell?

Think how you want to present your penis and experiment with different angles.

Be genuine

Now, the point above doesn’t mean I encourage cheating.

You can play with perspective to make your penis look twice as big as it is, but you’ll be outed sooner or later. And, what good does it do to you?

There is a market for every size and shape out there. The only way to find a product market fit is showing what you really have. It’s also not all about boasting about the size. Many recipients find unpretentious shots more appealing.

Include the body

Since I’m not a penis-holder myself, I don’t want to make assumptions, but the dicks I know aren’t very expressive on their own.

No offense dicks, but you’re lacking character especially in extreme close-ups.

Including a bit of a bum or torso in the frame adds personality to the shot and reveals a bit more about the penis-owner. Like the one below which will also immediately send you down the handyman-fantasy path…

From CritiqueMyDickPic

Selfies

It’s pretty hard to get a good angle taking a selfie. Lying down is probably the best position for that. However, since we all have phones that are smarter than us, you can also use this magic feature called a timer. Only three extra seconds to exponentially increase the likelihood of better results.

Last one: Experiment!

Take a few shots at different angles, on different backgrounds, and only then choose the best one.

Mysterious options [3]

A considerable amount of female feedback highlighted the value of mystery in dick pics.

Making pictures less explicit adds more context, and enhances the personality of owner of the dick. This is especially important if the picture it taken specifically for a FetLife profile, or to be sent to someone who doesn’t know you that well.

Not everyone is a creative type, and that’s okay. If you don’t feel like browsing through FetLife in search for inspirational poses below are some ideas 👇

  • Don’t show the penis fully, or… don’t show it at all. People are creatures of imagination, they will fill in the gaps. Leaving something unseen has a high potential of evoking lust.
  • Slide down your trousers and/or underwear so that the very top of the genital area is visible, as if you were caught in the moment of pulling it down completely (example from FetLife here). This is an especially good option if you feel shy, unsure about displaying nudity, or insecure about your penis (its size, shape, etc. ).
  • Another way of accomplishing the above is photographing a visible outline of an erect dick in your underwear or trousers:
From CritiqueMyDickPic
  • Slightly obscured — but not blurry! — penis or its shadow are also good options.
From CritiqueMyDickPic

Sharing

Just one thing here: always ask before you send a dick pic to anyone. It’s just polite 🙏

Not everyone wants to see a penis, and not every moment is good for seeing other people’s genitals. Even if you know the person, and they have expressed consent for it before, they might now be at their grandma’s, or in a non-dick mind space.

Be ready to accept rejection without a tantrum.

If you feel like hearing more than just my perspective on dicks, here is a good podcast.

Happy dick pick-ing for dick owners and dick-picking for receivers!

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Thanks to all my FetLife friends who helped in writing, researching, and editing!

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[1] There is a wonderful sociolinguistics paper on the typology of names males give their penises. I remember one was Excalibur. If you’re really into that, message me and I’ll dig up the bibliographical reference.

[2] A pro photographer would probably take the time to have a conversation about it with their client. This just generated in my head an image: a man sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea having a conversation with a man-size penis who’s smoking a cigarette. The penis had a tiring life and speaks with a rough voice of Joe Cocker (yeeeees, pun intended). My brain is a strange place.

[3] If anyone has other ideas or opinions, please comment!