Seven Golden Rules of FetLife Messages

Messaging new people on FetLife is equivalent of sending a cold email in the business world. So, if you are a marketer and follow the Moz blog, HubSpot, Growth Hackers forum, Buffer, and the like (and you damn should if you claim to be in that field), and *still* write a crap message, you fail big time.

The basic lessons from any Andrew Chaperon type can be transposed to the Fet world. And, guess what, I just did it for you. Because I’m nice like that, you see.

I realise I might be digging a grave for myself with this post — it might encourage more messages. On the other hand, if the overall messaging standards rise, the amount of annoyance on my part will decrease. Thus, the final objective value of this endeavour should remain positive 😬

The below tips are based on my personal, female experience. But, with small changes they are applicable to any FetLife “lead generation” you might working on. Starting from the basics then, here we go…

Your seven golden rules of FetLife messages

1. . . .

In marketing speak: Connect your LinkedIn profile.

If you have nothing on your profile, and/or no picture, and/or barely any friends… don’t expect wonders. Go and make some friends. Take one picture. Write five sentences. Seriously, if anyone replies to an empty profile positively they are probably crazy, and plan to sell your body for organs 👽 Just take my word for it.

Be real.

2. Hey girl!

In marketing speak: Subject line is your first impression and often determines the immediate fate of the message.

You’re not Ryan Gosling to hey us (if you are please message me). We’re often bombarded with hey’s. And hi’s. Oh, and hello’s. Imagine you are trying to stand out from a team of hot baseball players, a cast of Supernatural, or whatever you find an environment competitive enough to motivate you. Bonus points for making the subject line related to the recipient profile. It shows you can read, and a least pretend to care 🙏 This is so rare that it would seriously make me be all over you.

Make yourself unique.

3. I want to lick your feet and be your slave.

In marketing speak: Well done, we need an unpaid intern! Seriously though: Don’t sell your product to the competition.

Check the preferences of the recipient rather than limit your choice to the “opposite gender”. Best way to do it is by reading their profile (doh!). Your target might already be licking someone else’s feet, and we’re not trying to build a Maslow’s pyramid of slaves here.

Read recipients’ profiles.

4. I read your profile, and I think we’re be a good match.

In marketing talk: Show me how you can solve my problem.

You think we would be a good match! Good for you. Oh dear Mighty Thinker, I bow to you in gratitude for having done this hard thinking work for me. Thine Wisdom knows no boundaries!

Let’s take a step back. Saying that you match the recipient in itself is not a bad approach. However, the execution needs some polish. If you think your recipient and you are a good match tell them why — explain what exactly makes you think so. Mention not just the sexual preferences, but also other aspects: interests, tone of voice, approach. Connect to the personality we’re all trying to express in those painstakingly crafted FetLife profiles of ours.

To translate this advice into Tim Ferriss’ speak: start the interview (i.e. your message-based relationship building) from a topic the guest is not expecting. If they are famous for being a CEO of a tech company, ask about your shared passion for ice hockey.

Explain HOW we match.

5. Based on your fetish list, we may have a few things in common.[1]

In marketing speak: Make it specific to the recipient.

It’s a source of pride to create a perfect message template, but that’s what it should remain: *a template*. Rather than just copy-pasting the same text, adjust it to every specific recipient. A message that tries to appeal to everyone, will move no one. Make the recipient feel like you are writing to them specifically not to any generic FetLife sub/dom/slave. It really doesn’t take a lot of extra effort. Add even one profile-related line, only a few target-specific words… can you hear the despair in my voice? 😩

Make your message personalised.

6. How about we meet?

In marketing speak: Don’t pressure.

How about not? We all appreciate openness and stating your motives clearly, but issuing a demand like that can backfire. It’s likely to generate polarised responses.

  • It can work — especially if you were a good students and followed all of the master rules above, but
  • if it doesn’t, you will have alienated your prospect forever.

Your choice if you’re willing to take this risk! ☝️

Show empathy with the number of strangers’ messages everyone gets, and understand we all live in a time-scarce environment. You can gently suggest a call to action, but don’t expect it to be followed. Also, understand that a no is a no.


  • I know you’re getting many messages like this, i will be nice to meet you on an event one day.
  • Don’t feel pressured to reply, I’m happy you read thus far!
  • It’s ok if this doesn’t gel with you, I’m happy I came across your profile.

Leave an escape route. It shows respect, and makes them feel safe.

7. Where do you buy BitCoin?

In marketing speak: End with a question.

Best if it’s undemanding (cf. #5) and not related to sex (cf. #2). The goal of the message is to build a connection and find out if there is chemistry for further proceedings. Show you’re interested in the person, in their mind, and out-of-kink interests.

Be a nice person.

Happy lead generation amigos 😛

[1] The quote comes from a message, which was overall a really good one. 🌺

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