How To Write A Good FetLife Profile

In the vein of adapting business lessons to kinky relationships, today my dear students we’ll be talking about writing a good FetLife profile.

Yay! I hear you cheer.

Why talk about it at all?

Because my bot-like nature has just been updated with an empathy software 🤖

FetLife is full of kind, intelligent, and funny people. Whether you are <looks through the list of labels on FL> a pet, top, spanker, or a kajira (no idea what is is really), it’s the other wonderful, clever people who you want to connect with. If you are aiming to find boring, ignorant creeps patiently wait for my next post due September 32nd.

The problem is that many marvellous individuals on FetLife often fail to communicate their awesomeness, and hence everybody suffers. SAD.

The second “why” for writing this post is ego-centric. I want to have it easier to learn about the people who write to me. A headless picture, and an empty profile really don’t cut it, whatever your gender. Another egocentric motive is an attempt to become a blogging star 😝 Next time someone with a shit profile writes to you, you can just link them to this post.

Thirdly, FetLife is a weird site — a mix of Facebook with a dating service. It’s understandable it might be hard to manoeuvre it properly and use to your advantage. Especially when you are new and/or come straight from the vanilla world. Everyone was new at some point! You are witnessing live how I’m desperately trying to convince myself the empathy software is working.

Role of a FetLife profile: what’s your pitch?

As cruel as it is, your FetLife profile is like a CV — a representation of you summarised on an internet page. And, just as a CV, it will:

  1. Be misrepresentative of your personality, and
  2. Always fail to express the wholeness of your so-exquisite, multi-faceted self.

Neither of these, however, is an excuse to keep your profile empty or half-baked. We’re all in the same boat. Life is hard. FetLife is harder. Says she stroking a cane.

Your profile is a little like a sales pitch. It’s ad of a product which is… you (just a healthy dose of objectification here).

There has been a big shift in marketing in recent years. Companies used to demand customers spend time understanding the uniqueness of their brand. But, faced with an increasing competition, brands had to change their approach. Now they aim is to pull the audience in by communicating how their services bring value to each individual customer. In order to do that they had to learn to connect with the public by telling stories about their products[1].

See the link yet?

Companies fail when they lack story-telling skills. They spend tones of money to hire storytelling specialists. Equally, you too will fail if you don’t tell a good story.

Since you’re reading this post I presume you don’t have a tone of money, else you’d have already hired a brand specialist. Looks like, your only hope is listening to me. Feelin’ excited?! Let’s do it.

Tell a story, but not a fairy tale

What you want to show is that you are a genuine person. Let’s unpack this all-encompassing placeholder term. A “genuine person” is one with a history, experiences to share, depth, and passions outside of the FetLife world.

The value you’re selling is connection — a connection with you as a unique human being.

The reader is hungry for me some juicy pieces of information they can relate to. What brought you to kink? What defines you in the vanilla life? What drives you, what’s the passion that gets you out of bed?

Just remember to keep it real, FetLife peeps have the newest models of BS detectors.

Hedgehog rescue

No doubt you could just make a list of a 150 juicy facts about yourself, but don’t rush ahead — we still have a specific aim to achieve here.

Overloading the readers with detail only generates chaos in their heads. The message becomes scattered and incoherent.

Think what you want to communicate through your profile, and what kind of recipient you want to attract. It’s exciting you did hedgehog rescue volunteering at uni, but you would probably remove it from your CV when applying for a role of a VP of Sales.

Consider your goal on FetLife. Are you there to find friendship, parties, or a spankee? 🤔 Imagine your ideal target reader and empathise with them. Address their questions before they ask.

Pro tip: Ask your kinky friends what they want to know about people they meet on FetLife. Or, think back to questions people have asked you in messages.

Writing a FetLife profile is like creating a FAQ.

Shut off your Tinder brain

You list your height in feet, and the fact you like anal?

Great! Let me hand you a whip and tie myself to a chair. Said no sane person ever.

FetLife is not vanilla dating. Your fellow kinksters need more specific information: years of experience with rope, skills you know you’re good at, or a list of things you’re curious about. Most of all though, they are looking for honesty and openness 🌺

If for you don’t want or can’t share pictures of your face on FetLife, offer to send them on request. That alone shows you are communicative, and understanding of the dynamic of the scene.

Be more than tomato sauce

I’m a nice dom looking for a nice girl who will obey me.

Darling, we know the definitions of doms and subs. Imagine a restaurant described their spaghetti pomodoro as “nice food with tomato sauce” — it does’t give you much specific info, does it? 🙄

You know you’re special. But the reader will not unless you tell them. Show them your soul, spill your sins, vulnerability and, non-vegan emotional intestines… am I going to far?

What I mean is: at least use a thesaurus and express the mundane in a non-mundane way.

False hopes

To those who are still excitedly waiting for me to reveal the philosopher’s stone of kinkdom:

No, there is no one golden approach on how to write a good profile.


This is also no foolproof way to discourage creeps 🤷‍♀️ There will always be people who simply don’t read profiles. It means they’ll write to you regardless of what you have there: a libretto to Don Giovanni, or a blender manual.

Your profile is simply the first thing to consider if you’re getting frustrated no one is returning your messages, or that you only attract weirdos.

Go and make it shine. And, for the love of Spaghetti Monster, use some minimal formatting 🙈


[1] Cool bits on story telling in this interview with Chris Anderson. I bet his book also rocks.