The Selfish Kinkster: What To Say To Those Who Think It’s Just Sex

Someone asked me lately, with a certain hint of doubt in their written voice, what the fetish experience has given me so far. They probably thought the best reported outcome would be more sex, which only reveals their misunderstanding of what kink is about.

If done mindfully, any activity can a tool for self-exploration, primarily because it is our self who does it. When exploring fetish and BDSM, initially the learning curve is very sharp — everything is so new and exciting! With time, the learning curve will probably flatten.

If you are curious about some of the psychological benefits of kink, here is my take on what kinky explorations can bring.

Self-understanding: Own your kinks.

Serial life explorers struggle to find a challenge. It’s fairly easy to test yourself in the realm of factual knowledge: pick up a course on beginner physics on Coursera, and you’re done — your brain is fried (well, at least mine would be).

Getting out of your life-philosophy-related comfort zone is much harder. It becomes progressively harder to expose oneself to new fields and find topics that have a potential to reshape our worldview. We fool ourselves that we inhabit a coherent self, and ignore the rugged, yet unexplored edges of our personalities.

Kink helps discover the unexplored parts of our inner lives.

Analysing the sources of our kinks and attractions is a therapeutic exercise. As such, it can sometimes be disturbing — we might come across repressed memories, or hidden traumas. It’s important to take things slowly, and progress only after processing every newly encountered piece of data.

Not knowing the motive of our kinky actions can lead to harming others. Control and own your kinks.

Self-definition: Uncover your thinking patterns.

Arguably, the general level of self-awareness on the scene is much higher than in the wider vanilla world. That’s at least the fairy tale I’ve been living in so far, please don’t spoil it.

Why are kinky people so at are so attentive to their feelings? We come across many new play options, tools, and relationship preferences — especially in the beginning when everything is so fresh — and we are required to take a stance towards each of them.

Am I non-monogamous?

Would I like to try primal play?

Am I ok with calling myself a slut?

To be able to answer these questions we often need to explore ourselves further. It can lead to uncovering the models we live by, and re-think the presumptions, and misconceptions we hold.

Whether we like it or not, the answers will also get converted into labels, and become a part of our kinky description on the scene.

Self-confidence: Military prep for vanilla life.

I heard a connection being made between good CEOs and military men. The latter learn to take decisions quickly, understanding that a lack of decision is always worse than taking a wrong one.

The fetish scene can teach us to behave like people in the military: become more assertive and quicker to decide. These skills are easily transferable to, and handy in, vanilla life.

With every message, every munch, and every party you go to, you are training your ability to say “no”. You can’t please everyone, be friends with everyone, or engage in a meaningful exchange with everyone. Even if everyone is really a nice person* the fact remains: there is a limited number of hours in the day, and you have work and shopping to do.

It may sound merciless, but kink helps you learn to judge people quickly. You establish your needs and aims, and once someone doesn’t fit them, it means you aren’t a right match. Same rule can be applied when choosing business partners. Basically, kink helps you be a better entrepreneur 😛

Physical strength: Empowerment through pain.

For those who are on the receiving end of pain, it can give an immense sense of empowerment. Knowing you can willingly expose yourself to pain and are able to survive a heavy spanking session, can make you feel stronger. Similar effect can be achieved through heavy workout sessions, getting piercings, or tattoos.

A choice to alter your body requires self-determination. The self-control necessary to suffer through the pain can bring a feeling of accomplishment. If your dom doesn’t give you a golden star, write to me 😉

Be careful though. With that there is a danger of activating a megalomania-gene. Pushing our boundaries can generate a feeling of superiority over others. You can end up look at people on the street thinking: you’d cry like a baby if you got this kind of a beating. If this thought makes you straighten up and walk with a smile — that’s great. If it generates a sense of despise towards others… not so great.

Let’s take it back to earth then. Ultimately, even a bruised ass doesn’t make you all that exceptional. Just browse through pictures on FetLife, there is truly no shortage of rainbow-coloured butts there 😂

Kink gives you strength. Physical strength, and mental strength. It can be directed inwards — and help define yourself better, — and outwards helping you find your place in relation to external stimuli.


*it’s a bit of a stretch of my positive thinking.

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